I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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