yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
