Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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