I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
