I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
