i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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