I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
