i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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