If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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