Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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