My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
