what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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