Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
