end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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