Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
