I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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