I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
