dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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