is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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