the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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