i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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