she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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