My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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