12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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