I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i out mim tonsoeep
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