My hand turned me down
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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