ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
