dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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