why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
