Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
