It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
