Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
