I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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