I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
