I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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