i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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