You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
