if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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