I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
