sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
