So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
