Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
