You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we made out on top of his cat.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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