When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
