New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
