The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
