She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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