I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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