he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I checked into jail on foursquare
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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