I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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