Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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