i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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