I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
