You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
