I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You took a bar mat shot.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
