I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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