I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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